Follow Your Heart Even When You’re Sad: In Memory of Gerald Appel

Have you ever received an email with sad news? Sometimes when you receive the email, it may be too late to act. Then there are other instances that without knowing, the arrival of the email is all in perfect time.  This is what happened to me. Recently, I found out my mentor, boss, and friend (Gerald Appel), who I was very close to) took a sudden turn for worst.  Not only was I rattled, but I was also unsure what to expect since he was such a major part of my life. You see, he all the time had been there, and the thought of him not, hurt and made me sad. Although it was painful and I’m still processing, I am forever grateful for him and want to share my experience with you.

Needless to say, upon receiving the notice in an email, I was shocked and sad. As the tears rolled down my face, I could sense they were releasing a wide array of emotions that I was holding inside. Feelings of love, fear, and even a sense of hopelessness because I knew at that very moment, things were out of my control. The feelings were strong, I couldn’t hold them in. They were overwhelming.  Can you relate? Do you ever hold your feeling inside to help in numbing the pain?

It’s taken a long time for me to get there, but I finally learned that it’s OK to cry when you are sad. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. In fact, it’s a sign of strength to allow yourself to become vulnerable. When you don’t stay in a dark place and drown yourself with sorrow, you give yourself permission to move past the pain and heal. It took losing my mom in 97, and then my dad passing almost three years ago to open my heart enough to truly understand that it’s better to be gentle with yourself and process your feelings in real time.

It was the very next day after receiving the news that I visited Jerry and experienced a special time of bonding that I will forever treasure. The ability to be there to express thanks for his kindness, recalling all that he taught me, and to share with him how he impacted my life and so many others.  I wanted to hold his hand, so I did, and those moments of sharing love and memories are gifts to last me a lifetime.

For part of the visit, I was present without saying a word. My hope is that in those moments of silence he could feel all the love and admiration that I felt (and still feel) for him. I looked at him and smiled, and it was at that moment, in my heart, I knew my presence made a difference. Being there with him locked in time are moments that I always cherish. I left knowing I had a special place in his heart as well.

Accepting that the end of life is near can be challenging and bring up many feelings of fear. There will be times you won’t know the right thing to do or what to say. I have done more than my fair share of stumbling over words in searching for the one or two that would fully capture my range of emotions and feelings. Not sure that’s even possible, and that must be why it’s so difficult.

What I have learned over time is that it’s not about right or wrong. It’s about being present in the moment and allowing your heart to do the talking without saying a word. It’s not easy to lose someone that you care about and is important to you. It might be even presumptuous to assume that words can fully communicate the depth of your feelings at that precise moment. That’s where your heart comes in. I believe you can never lose when you lead with your heart. Your presence can bring about much comfort and peace; sometime’s the best thing to do is remain silent, hold someone’s hand, and let your heart do the talking.

It was less than two weeks later when Jerry passed on. Losing someone you love is not easy, and I will forever be thankful for those moments we shared. After sharing my condolences with the family and friends, I turned within to listen to a meditation called “Akal” to Honor the Departed by Snatam Kaur. If you lost someone special or are now experiencing someone at the end of their life, may you find comfort and inner peace through this guided meditation.

Closure at the service would take place the following day.  I had trouble sleeping, I was heartbroken. An hour before I was leaving for a birthday celebration a picture was texted to me.  I was asked, are you planning to speak at the service? My first thought was fear, so I didn’t answer right away. I said no to myself while knowing in my heart that I would love to write a poem. My hesitancy included thoughts of not having enough time and being less than emotionally ready to do it. After a bit of time, I started to write but couldn’t finish because the words weren’t flowing, so I declined to talk. Being kind to yourself has its rewards. I listened to my heart and allowed a little more time to pass and was able to complete the poem by the next morning.

We arrived that morning to a beautiful service led by Rabbi Hoffman. Family members spoke about Jerry, and I sat in the audience wanting to read my poem, but it didn’t feel right, so I decided not to.  After the chapel service funeral, there was a service at the graveside, and I knew the time had come. The spirit moved me, and so I read my poem. See below:

In Memory of Gerald Appel
By Bonnie Gortler

Gerald Appel a generous, kind, honest, brilliant man

Who did for everyone the best he can

In the investment world, Jerry is known as the creator of MACD

To his family, friends, and staff, his heart of gold was always there to see

In 1982 Jerry hired me to start

Special graph paper and ruler would turn into 37 years of my love of drawing a chart

Jerry knew how to make everyone laugh and smile

Constantly giving and going the extra mile

Dedicated, loyal, trusted to protect his clients each day

Jerry’s intuition and systems would find a way

My colleagues will remember Jerry forever

A special part of the team joining Wilson, Gail, and Judy we treasure

May his friends and family be comforted now

With gratitude, appreciation and PURE LOVE is how

His legacy goes on after today

Gerald Appel, you are in all of our heart’s eternal

It’s not easy losing someone, and after 37 years knowing Jerry, a new era begins. I’m comforted knowing that our wonderful times together still have room for new beginnings, opportunities, and possibilities here in this life. Jerry would want me to remember and inspire others to enjoy your life with your family and friends. Go after your dreams, smile, be kind, make a difference in your life and others. Now you know why he was so special to me. Words of wisdom to last a lifetime!

Thank you for reading.

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Bonnie S. Gortler

Bonnie Gortler, Consultant, Coach, and Author specializing in Wealth and Well-Being, is a successful stock market expert who has been instrumental in managing multi-million-dollar client portfolios within a top-rated investment firm during her over 35-year corporate career. As the author of “Journey to Wealth,” Bonnie has made it her mission to share the importance of risk management and how to enjoy real financial well-being by applying the technical and mental sides of investing. Bonnie has an M.B.A. and is a certified life coach. It is through her love of coaching, consulting, blogging, and social media that she creates change in the lives of many and inspires people from around the world. Bonnie is fully committed to your personal growth and development as she shares her winning spirit and powerful techniques with you. Visit BonnieGortler.com to gain tips and insights about investing, personal development, and inspiration through her articles on Wealth and Well-Being.
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